Back To Sleep

Everyone else seems to wake up loved. Daily calls. Daily affirmations. Warm arms waiting for them before their eyes even open. Love handed to them freely, without prompting, without fear, without begging. And I wake up wondering if I should even check my phone. Wondering if today will be the day there are no messages at all. Or if I’ll get the cold little scraps, short replies, cut off sentences, no warmth, no spark. I wonder if today will be the day I receive something tender... a heart, a small gift, a thoughtful message, something I give so easily, so naturally. My chest aches waiting for what never comes. The anticipation turns to nausea. My stomach twists itself into knots over a love that doesn’t move like mine. I break my own heart imagining the things I would do, the ways I would love, and realizing they are not me. They don’t yearn like I do. They don’t reach the way I reach. And somehow, that makes my hunger louder. I ask myself, could I feel loved in their language? Could I learn to drink from their cup when it only fills once a week and never overflows? Or am I spiraling because the truth is finally visible... that my wounds are gaping, open, raw, and now that I’ve seen them I can’t unsee them? Everything is exposed and I am terrified. And the loneliness.... the starvation, is somehow worse now that I recognize the shape of it. It presses into me like a bruise that keeps blooming deeper. I watch others get what I want and it hollows me out. Their joy cracks me open. Their tenderness to each other makes my ribs ache. I want what they have. I want it so badly that shame clings to me like rot. Do I even deserve it? Is it too much to want to be wanted? I feel like all I do is complain, as if my hurt dims the room, as if every word I speak is a wet blanket smothering the light. But holding it in makes me physically sick. My body rebels... tight throat, burning chest, empty stomach that refuses food. Like the loneliness is eating for me, consuming everything I can’t swallow. I don’t know what to do with this hunger that only grows when I pretend I don’t feel it. All I know is... Everyone else wakes up loved. And I wake up hoping today won’t be another morning where I feel forgotten before the day even starts. All as I cry my heart out.